I’m making progress. Not because I’m “realizing” how unhealthy I am physically, but because I published this statement in a recent post:
“I maintain a healthy weight.”
The statement is true. Sort of. There were a few months during The College Years when I consumed nothing but fried cheese and beer, and post-baby when those last 10 pounds didn’t instantly melt like it did for some of my friends (“just breastfeed…” they said…”It’ll melt off…” they said. Ha!).
Yet, my weight is typically near the top of the BMI “normal” range. And the perfectionist in me hates it.
Of course, my brain decided to process this progress at 3 a.m. I woke to obsess whether people who know me would roll their eyes, remembering dimpled thighs and my round face.
Was I lying to myself? If my weight is normal, then why can’t I wear skinny jeans? Would my self-proclaimed doctor friends remind me that the high end of the BMI chart might not be healthy after all? And, of course, did my weight contribute to being sick?
A thunderstorm was rolling through. And as if the thunder itself gave me a talking-to, I suddenly thought:
Why am I so dang hard on myself?
Lupus–at least my very limited understanding of it–is a physical manifestation of my body being too hard on itself. My immune system is literally attacking healthy cells in my body.
Just like my brain attacks my “healthy” weight, and 100 other things I criticize myself about.
So, maybe publishing the healthy weight statement is a sign of progress. And perhaps once my mind is in better order, my body will follow. It can’t hurt, right?
Do you think your emotional well-being affects your lupus?